No words…

Standard

In the past few months, I haven’t posted A. Single. Entry.

Oh. My. Word.

Or, actually, lack thereof.

Not for lack of trying. mind you…I sat here numerous times (9, to be exact) and tried to put my thoughts to virtual paper. I would get half-way, sometimes three-quarters of the way through a post, and not be able to pull it together.

It was maddening.

I mean, y’all know me. I’m not one to be short on words.

Like, ever.

I convinced myself it was summer…kids running everywhere, house messy, work demands, pool demands (girlfriend needs her sunshine, y’all), etc.

But something kept nagging at me. Something deep in me told me there was something wrong, something I wasn’t examining. I sensed myself withdrawing, pulling away from friends and family. It was if a perpetual darkness had settled over me. There was no life in my bones, and where I was usually upbeat and positive, there was an ache, a bitterness. I wasn’t sleeping…and the sleep that came was not restful. I was miserable.

And I could not, for the life of me, explain why.

I kept carving out time with the Lord each morning, but it fell flat. Lifeless. There was a disconnect somewhere, but in my brilliance, I never asked Him why.

Until Sunday.

This Sunday, a culmination of events brought me to my knees and face first before the Lord. I finally realized that for the past few months, I had kept Him at an arm’s length regarding a particular endeavor I had taken on. Furthermore, I had failed to ask Him for permission before I embarked on this particular project. Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t doing something illegal, or even inherently wrong, by the world’s standards. In fact, when I was asked to do it, it seemed only natural to say yes. 

But I made a decision to begin without seeking the Lord first.

{That was my first mistake.}

My second mistake, looking back, was realizing half way into it I had not asked Him for his blessing, and yet still continuing on in it.

{I am a genius, y’all. For reals.} Have you ever done that? Realized you might be on the wrong path, but figured it was better to just see it through than admit you had made a mistake?

It is an understatement to say it was wrought with stumble, miscommunication, road block, angst.

I kept going, certain it would eventually be fine…it was just a difficult season, I told myself.

{I can be so stubborn.}

And then there was Sunday.

I realized where the disconnect was. The blessed light finally came on and I saw where I had left Him behind…running, pushing my agenda, my plans.

Dang.

You remember those times when you got in trouble, and the last thing you wanted to do was face your Dad because you knew you’d really screwed it up this time?? Like the time you were 7 years old and you threw stuffed animals in your cousin’s brand new ceiling fan at his brand new house and knocked the brand new ceiling fan down?

It was one of those times.  

I sat before Him most of Sunday. I didn’t say much, I just sat.

And in it, He began to convict me that this was going to be one of those realllllly fun, humbling moments when I had to admit to other people that I had made a mistake. For whatever reason, He had not appointed me to be involved in the project, and it was time for me to bow out.

{Oh no, Lord. Please don’t make me admit I made a mistake to them. No. No. No. Can’t you just fix it and make it all ok, now that I’ve admitted to you that I was wrong?!}

The answer was a resounding “no”, even as I was asking begging Him.

Come Monday, I made one of my least favorite phone calls ever.

Afterward, I went back before the Lord, in a tangled mix of emotion. I was entirely relieved, but emotionally exhausted . And disgusted with myself that I hurt others in the process. I wish my disobedience had not affected them so.  

In the moments afterward, He brought a visual to me that I have probably told you in the past, but it bears repeating today. Making decisions is like being a gladiator, in an arena. You better dang well make sure the Lord has called you to fight the battle in the arena, and thoroughly equipped you for the battle, because, friend, if you step into an arena that the Lord has not called you to be in, you’re gonna get creamed. Pummeled. When we choose to put ourselves in a place that He has not called us to be, we are exposed, unprotected. When we make plans He did not intend for us, it’s not gonna be pretty. Running into this particular arena a few months ago left me without the protection of the Lord. No shelter, no blessing. And certainly not His presence.

The hardest part is realizing the damage that has been done. The effects of sin are not lost on me. The consequences are real. As glad as I am to have stepped back and chosen to be obedient, I am equally aware that other people and parts of my life have suffered as a result. I mentioned earlier that I felt miserable this summer. I withdrew inwardly more and more as the summer ebbed on. My sister in Christ ran by my house  yesterday. She could sense there was something not right, try as I did to pretend I was fine. Late yesterday afternoon she text me with life-giving kindness…”Are you really ok? How can I pray for you?”. Bless her, I text back and tearfully begged her to pray for this darkness to recede. 

When I woke up this morning, I sensed that it finally had.

We fool ourselves if we think our disobedience is limited to a particular area. We are crazy if we think we can hide the effects of sin from others. Oh, friend…quite the contrary. The sin, no matter the flavor, eats away at the life within us, stinks up the place and affects others in it’s wake. Left alone, it will suck the marrow of life right out of ya. It was sucking the life out of me, for sure.

As I sit here now, I realize I’ve made it to the end of this without walking away from this post. My prayer at the beginning of this was, “Lord, use this. Teach me and others through this.” May you seek His face today. May you take those decisions to Him before you choose the path. May His light be your life-blood. And may I, as I walk forward this day, never forget this season.

Many blessings to you, sweet friend.

kristi

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One response »

  1. Oh Kristi, this spoke to me like no other post has before. Thank you for opening your heart and being vulnerable. God is surely using your words in an indescribable way. Be blessed sweet friend. Love ya!

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